I consider myself to be a pretty intuitive and in tune with my body, but I realized lately that I have some really selective hearing combined with a really stubborn nature. I really am my father's daughter. However, no matter how stubborn and abusive I can be to my body it isn’t long before it throws a wrench in the gears and I have no other choice but to slow down and play by the rules.
I realize now that my mind has been telling me lies like: “It's normal that your knee pops" or "Shut up and don't be such a biatch, you stupid knee! “ Meanwhile my body has been pleading "No!!! Listen to me! Listen to me! One more time is closer to your last! Warning! Warning!”
This battle between my mind and my body has been going on for close to ten months. Finally, last week my body got my undivided attention. Of course, only I could injure my knee in the most classic "Peter Griffin" fashion.
It was really very simple. All I was doing was sitting in guard and when I went to move, I rolled over my knee and it popped again. But this time it didn't immediately pop back in like it usually does. To make matters worse, as I reached back to drag myself away I heard my thumb make a loud crack followed by horrendous pain. The most embarrassing part was this happened during the instructional portion of class and I was the "dummy".
I knew something was wrong after I tried to brush it off and keep going, but I was quickly pounded by a monstrous wave of pain radiating throughout my body. My knee was locked bent and hurt no matter how I rested it. My teammates later told me I looked like I was "giving birth" based on my facial expressions and cries of agony. I’ve never had a baby, and I hope it isn’t that bad, but this was the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced. I felt like my knee was hanging on by a twisted and mangled thread. I could not walk.
Then, still in misery, I made the mistake of taking a trip down memory lane and decided to watch one of my old matches. This was the worst decision ever. All it did was make me feel depressed and remind me of how much I really miss competing. I miss the level of dedication and self-development that competition brings. I miss eating GJJ for breakfast lunch and dinner. I couldn’t help but feel like I was even further away from returning to competition than before.
I also couldn’t help feeling frustrated that this happened just when I was starting to be comfortable on the mats again and moving forward in my training. For every step forward, I feel I am limping back even more.
Now, I could just sit around and throw myself a pity party, but I know there is a reason I've been sidelined again. Over the past few years I've come to the realization that everything happens for a reason and I just have to stay positive and keep moving forward. I'm trying to understand what my body, the universe, or powers to be are trying to tell me. I have yet to figure it out, it could be that selective hearing again.
Even though I miss training and competing from my very core, I decided that I have another purpose, to finally properly take care of my knee. Once I decided that, as if by “magic”, I found an excellent doctor who knows about sports injuries and has already helped me tremendously. He also told me that pain is the sign of distress within the body and that that conventional medicine, (synthetic drugs), tend to mask these alarms. So, I decided not to take the painkillers I got from the Emergency Room also because they made me sick. So, you got my attention body, I'm listening!!!!
I got your message last week and although I wanted to throw it in the trash and ignore it like I usually do, you played dirty and you got my attention! Well played my friend. I'm now at your mercy.
Body, you can be such a jerk! I really wanted to punch you in the face for messing up my plans last weekend and pissing all over my b-day...but now I forgive you. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I realize you were just looking out for us. I am sorry for calling you a biatch all the time and for telling you to shut up. I should have listened.
I admit that I did things the hard way. I enjoyed messing with you and took you for granted. Those days are behind us now. I realize that we really are stuck with each other whether we like it or not. So I'd like to offer an olive leaf, as a gesture of peace. We might as well work together. Who really knows how much time we have left? Perhaps if we work together that time might just be a bit longer.
Looking forward to working with you. Thank you for looking out for us. I'm listening now, so let's do this.
P.S. Even though a part of me will always want to sabotage our efforts, know I'm trying to change my ways. Please forgive me for being a douchebag.