Friday, August 19, 2016

Burning out at both ends...

I never wanted to let anyone down in my life, especially myself. I always “put it all on the line” and ran a mile a minute. Needless to say, I always bit off more than I could chew and never sat still long enough to let my ass hit the chair. Sleep?  I'll sleep when I am dead, I thought. I drank a pot of coffee a day and treated my body like a wasteland.  I slept maybe 5 hours a night, when I was lucky. I was always running  high stress mode so I had no appetite, I never ate and when I did it was whatever was most convenient. I drove my car into the ground driving 300-500 miles a week. My house was a disaster. My cats were neglected. I never made time for my friends or family. I never made time for myself. I never took care of myself. I was destitute. I poured every penny I had into chasing my dreams but I forgot about myself.  I forgot the most important component. 

It was just a matter of time for me. I lived like this for years None of us are invincible, but I thought I was. All of us can go from living our lives like "normal", then BAM! your life is turned upside down. Before you know it you are staring up at the world wondering how you have fallen so low. I never truly understood how quickly one can plummet to the bottom until I found out the hard way, as I usually do. I ignored all the warning signs.  Not only that but I arrogantly gave the “finger” to everything and everyone that tried to warn me.  

Now when you hit bottom, you can choose to sit at the bottom and feel sorry for yourself or begin that slow climb out of the crap hole you fell into. Which is easier?  That is hard to say. It is not easy to sit on the bottom and let the darkness consume you, but climbing out sure as hell isn't easy either. Either way the choice is  your own. 

For me, I sat for a while and let the darkness take hold. Then I realized it was all lies. Once you start to feel sorry for yourself it is a vicious cycle. You lie to yourself like crazy. You find more and more, and countless reasons to kick yourself in the ass and keep yourself down there. Happiness, what the hell is that!!! You give up on any hope you have of anything ever changing. You believe that your life is a piece of shit and it will never go back to what it was. Because of a combination of horrible anti-seizure drugs, I hit the lowest of lows. I was 100% ready to check out. Why not? I was already out, so F..it, why not make it permanent?
But then I snapped out of it. First, I got off the drugs that depressed me and made me suicidal. Then I realized something, if I was supposed to check out, it would have already happened.  When I had my first grand mal seizure I remember my thoughts before I blacked out on the mats were, "Well if this is how I die, then at least I am doing what I love." I was surprised when I woke up. There was a reason I did wake up again. What is that reason? Well I intended to spend the rest of my life trying to figure that out. 

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